I had never eaten White Castle until yesterday.
I know that in itself is a sacrilegious statement to some. Of course, when you consider the facts that I didn’t drink alcohol until my 21st birthday and I’ve never done drugs, that probably makes a little more sense. But I’ve really never had a reason to eat it. The nearest White Castle is probably about a ten-minute drive west from my house, and I’d say I only go initially west about 5% of the time when leaving home. Plus, the following places are among those all closer, as close, or more within my direction radius than White Castle…
– Another Subway
– Numerous pizza places
– Yet another Subway
(IF ANYONE FROM SUBWAY IS READING AND WOULD LIKE TO SPONSOR THIS BLOG, FEEL FREE AND I WILL GRADE EVERYTHING IN YOUR STORE AN A+.)
(Actually, I will do that anyway.)
But when a few of my co-workers grabbed a 30-pack of White Castle burgers, I finally indulged. I snacked down on just two mini-burgers, which puts me squarely at the bottom of the White Castle Burgers Eaten chart, which I think looks something like this:
0-3 Burgers: Wimp. Why are you even eating?
4-6: Congratulations! You have the ability to digest.
7-10: You are an average American! Now go pay $30 to watch a brainless Michael Bay film with a liter of Coke and a giant buttered popcorn.
11-15: A good effort. I will now reflect on the absurdity of calling a 15-burger consumption “a good effort.”
16-20: You, my friend, are a White Castle aficionado. This, my friend, is not a title you want associated with your name.
21-25: It is probably safe to assume at this point you are larger than a normal American. You also may want to get that cholesterol checked out. Just a thought.
26-29: There is a 99% chance you are an alcoholic and/or a heavy pot-smoker at this point. If you are in the 1% that does not apply in this group, that may be even worse.
30: Why? Honestly…why?
You want me to review these? Oh, right, that’s the point of this blog.
Well, the burgers were at a disadvantage at first, since I didn’t order them. There were three pickles and some onion bits scattered throughout, and while you can take the pickles off, you can’t take off the taste. The onion bits were small enough that I didn’t want to pick off each individual one, because I’m a normal human being.
But the burger itself? Wholly unremarkable. The meat…was fine. The bun…was soggy. The ketchup…was there. They’re definitely on the lower rung of the hamburger sliders I’ve had in my life. I’d even put them below the sliders from Applebee’s, and I never go to Applebee’s even though it’s literally two minutes from my house. The definition of “meh.”
…and a hearty congratulations to those of you who bet money, at 17-1 odds, that I would NOT make a Harold and Kumar reference within the body of the review. Hell, I didn’t even bet on myself.