Let me answer your questions right off the top…
No, I still haven’t figured out why there was a Snapple in my boss’ desk drawer. No, I don’t know why I decided to drink it. Yes, I’m an idiot. And it takes three licks to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
Yesterday at work, we ordered lunch from a local catering place. My selection was chicken tidbits and French fries – a delicious combination to be sure, but one that necessitated a drink of some sort. Our office refrigerator generally contains ginger ale and Coca-Cola, neither of which I drink. It also contains diet ginger ale, Coke Zero, some other kind of ginger ale, and the occasional Diet Coke. As you can imagine, I drink none of those. However – the one exception to the undrinkable rule (not including the twelve-pack of Saranac in the storage closet, sadly) is the Diet Lemon Snapple collection that generally resides in the fridge.
I say “generally” because of days like yesterday.
I went to the fridge, swung open the door, and turned my eyes to the familiar resting place of the bottom ledge on the right-hand side…to find nothing. My dreams were ruined. It was to be water, and nothing more, as a supplement to the barbecue sauce-slathered, salt-covered smorgasbord I would consume. I even ran to the storage room and found nothing but paper towels and Windex next to the Saranacs. Quenched for thirst, I pondered the thought of spraying Windex directly into my…wait, no I didn’t. That’s gross. Forget you read this previous paragraph. What paragraph? Good.
But like a beacon of light shining down from a lighthouse, illuminating a hopeless passerby strewn across the rocks, our office manager Kyle appeared to save the situation. “Go into the bottom right drawer next to my desk,” he said. “I’ve got a Snapple there.” I was saved! All was well…except for the red flags that soon followed.
RED FLAG NUMBER ONE: I couldn’t actually find the Snapple in the drawer at first. I knew it was there – when I shook the drawer, I heard the clanging of glass against the side of the metal. I just didn’t see it at first under the mess of papers and folders.
RED FLAG NUMBER TWO (And look at how clever I am, the text is going to be red for all of these! Apologies to those friends of mine who are color-blind.): The Snapple looked like this.
Which is the logo Snapple used up until 2008. Which, as of a few days ago, was four years ago.
Now I looked on the bottle and didn’t find an expiration date, unless “HRQ08” refers to one. Though the “08” may have something to do with it. I haven’t found a definitive answer to this online, but it sounds like the shelf life of most of these things is somewhere in the neighborhood of 12 to 18 months.
RED FLAG NUMBER THREE: The inside of the bottle cap looked like it was four years old. At least three and a half, anyway.
But, in my mind, the reward outweighed the risks. Undaunted, I popped open the cap, and drank…and what a hideous decision that was.
Two sips. That’s all I needed to discern that this thing was a glass menagerie of hell. My dad has compared unsweetened iced tea to battery acid (does he know) – and I think this was actually battery acid. (I don’t know, for the record.)
By the way, I did ask my co-workers where the bottle came from (they didn’t remember) and how long it had been there (“not that long,” they assured me.). I don’t think that will fly in a courtroom.
Normally, I’m going to try not to review two things in the same category in back-to-back days (e.g. food and drink), but exceptions are made for bizarre events like the one I experienced yesterday.