First, a quick review from last night.
Grade: A+ times 16,000
Now, on to today’s review! Or, I’ll do you two better – a triple review! Per request for Craig Hoffman, I’ll review a dramatic reading of “Sexy And I Know It,” but we’ll also see how it stacks up against two other dramatic readings. To the videotape(s)…
VIDEO #1 – Ira David Wood reads LMFAO’s “Sexy And I Know It”
Fame Factor: I had to google Ira David Wood, so that’s not good. Apparently, he has run a stage showing of A Christmas Carol in Raleigh since 1974, and his daughter is the lovely Evan Rachel Wood. So that counts for something. Grade: D
Setting: In a radio studio for a show called “Bob and the Showgram,” which appears to be hosted by a man who took all the hair off his head and put it on his beard. Grade: D
Choice of Song: Spectacular. Any “song,” “music” or “lyrics” by LMFAO is ripe for a dramatic reading. I was going to single out a specific line here, but I got stuck choosing between every single line in the song. Sorry, the “song.” Grade: A.
Presentation: Couldn’t be better. This man truly has one of the greatest voices of our generation, and he has applied it to one of the worst “pieces of music” of our generation. Can you imagine Ronan Tynan singing Ke$ha? Aretha Franklin belting out Soulja Boy? This may be better. Grade: A+
Overall: The presentation here just destroys everything else. So what if we don’t know this guy? He yells out “I got passion in my pants” in a dramatic voice. Ira David Wood has just won the universe. Your argument is invalid. I didn’t want to give out an A+ this early in the blog, but I have literally no other choice. Grade: A+
VIDEO #2 – Christopher Walken reads Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”
Fame Factor: This category is also known as “Christopher Walken Factor.” Why am I still writing? Grade: A+
Setting: The Jonathan Ross talk show, meaning there were probably lots of funny British things happening. I think everything is funnier in Britain…like Hot Fuzz, or Ricky Gervais, or Russell Brand’s marriage to Katy Perry. (We’re both patriarchal societies, that one’s on you, UK!) Grade: B
Choice of Song: Excellent, though “Poker Face” takes a back seat to LMFAO, because there are actual English words and sentences here. Lady Gaga appears to have passed fourth-grade English. Grade: A-
Presentation: It’s Christopher Walken reading “Poker Face,” how do you think the presentation is? Sadly, this is just missing three things that would have put the video over the top…
- More cowbell
- More cowbell
- More cowbell
BONUS NUMBER FOUR: Jimmy Fallon laughing in the background and doing his best to ruin the skit.
Overall: Too short for an A+. However, may I remind you, Christopher Walken reads “Poker Face.” In case you aren’t convinced yet, imagine Christopher Walken. Then imagine the song “Poker Face” being read as a poem. Then imagine Christopher Walken reading “Poker Face.” Then watch the video again. If you still aren’t convinced, please stop reading my blog. I don’t want you anymore. Grade: A-
VIDEO #3 – Dirk Nowitzki reads Britney Spears’ “Oops! I Did It Again”
Fame Factor: A seven-foot German man who just won the NBA Finals MVP? That’s like combining Gheorghe Muresan, David Hasselhoff, and actual talent. Grade: A
Setting: A comfortable chair. A bath robe. A fake fireplace. A fake NBA finals trophy. A fake Mavericks foam finger. All this picture is missing is Mark Cuban throwing his BlackBerry at David Stern’s head. Grade: A+
Choice of Song: The Dirkus gets points for going retro here. And this may be the best Britney song for a dramatic reading – at least in the Pre-Federelinic Period. I would enjoy Dirk saying “Womanizer, womanizer, you’re a womanizer, baby. You, you, you are.” Grade: A
Presentation: Like LeBron James, Dirk dominates the first three before falling short in the fourth. There’s nothing too dramatic about this. Granted, this is, once again, a seven-foot German man reading Britney Spears. So we should cut the dude some slack. Grade: C
Overall: The entire atmosphere helps the Dirkus here, along with the general idea of this. While nobody’s going to place Dirk along with Reggie Jackson’s performance in The Benchwarmers, he still manages to conjure up a solid dramatic reading. Grade: B
So there you have it. Ira David Wood, the unknown Raleigh Dickens-loving Renaissance man, takes down both Christopher Walken and Dirk Nowitzki in one fell swoop, in the biggest upset since…
Ah, I couldn’t resist.
Coming up within the next week: Jim Carrey meets the Beatles, Owen Wilson meets Ernest Hemingway, and Kevin meets soda.