Three things happened today that should cause the same degree of surprise in people.
– The Sun rose, with every intention of setting.
– Earth continued to rotate around its axis.
– I ordered a Chipotle Chicken and Cheese footlong sandwich at Subway.
The only difference? I’m just assuming on the first two. My Subway obsession has gone to an even higher level in January, since the world’s greatest sandwich chain has decided to bring back one of its tastiest subs as this month’s five…five dollar…five dollar footlong! C-c-c-can’t go wrong! (Now would be a good time to remind my readers that I am actually not being paid by Subway, I’m just mentally insane.) I’m eaten this same sandwich eight times so far in the 18 days of January, with only minor variations on the bread, the cheese, and whether or not to get bacon. This latter part is also known as the “how much do you want to currently hate yourself?” principle.
So it would be essentially pointless for me to review Subway’s sandwiches. They’re an A or A+, slam dunk, case closed just about every time. But what about the rest of Subway? It doesn’t always live up to the food’s lofty expectations. Let’s break down the local-est of my several local Subways in every non-edible way.
This Subway is tucked into a row of connected stores on a fairly major street – simple enough to get to and with ample parking in the back, just a right turn away. But – and this is one Sir-Mix-A-Lot sized but – to get to the Subway from my house, you have to make a left turn on another major road, potentially against incoming traffic, and in the face of the world’s most annoying flash, a red light camera.
Now don’t get me wrong – red light cameras are a brilliant invention. I can’t fault anyone for introducing them – they slow people down and help the police make money. People who don’t like the concept of red light cameras are often known by one of several names: “horrible drivers,” “idiot drivers,” “$*#)%*@#@ drivers,” or “NASCAR drivers.” But at this particular one, you can’t do the “pull all the way up when making a left turn, wait until the traffic stops, and safely turn left as the light turns red because everyone sees you there” thing. That’s a huge part of my driving repertoire. Also, the red light camera temporarily blinds the entire town for a second once it snaps. It’s like the flash on a Kodak custom-made for Hagrid.
Location Grade: C
The interior is…wait a minute, am I seriously going to waste any time writing about this?
Interior Décor Grade: Who the hell cares, it looks fine.
There are generally three things I require in a Subway drink machine: some form of sweetened iced tea, lemonade, and in a distant third place, fruit punch. Ice is always a good luxury as well. This Subway has all three, with some extra flavor in the form of raspberry iced tea. However, the restaurant has failed me recently, with back-to-back trips featuring an out-of-service iced tea portion. This is simply unacceptable. All my Subway sandwiches are eaten, if possible, with a side beverage of half raspberry iced tea/half lemonade – a fruity excursion spliced into the normal Arnold Palmer. I’ll drink the fruit punch if I have to – but would you rather watch Spiderman or The Dark Knight? That’s what I thought. That was a strange analogy.
Drink Machine Grade: B+
Analogy Grade: C+
Kevin Staying on Topic Grade: D+
Just For The Hell Of Sequential Lettering: E+
This isn’t the world’s busiest Subway. I get that. The Guinness Book hasn’t showed up, at least as far as I know, to monitor the flow of traffic. But at no point have I entered this building to find more than one single employee working behind the counter. And usually, I find one employee sitting in the back room texting, only awoken by the sound of my hands rustling through a bag of Lays’ Classic potato chips.
One employee? That’s IT? I’m normally not the only person in the store, folks – would it kill you to have a second person to work the register? To put vegetables on the sandwich? To stand guard in case the one guy working gets a heart attack? To give the poor fellow behind the counter human interaction?
I’ve had a mixed reception with the guy who normally works at this Subway. The first time I ever bought a sandwich while he was working, I tried to pay with a gift card. His comical ineptitude rendered all my cards useless, forcing me to pay with a credit card because I had no cash. However, he thought I didn’t have any cash, and initially took back the food and drink. I vowed never to return. But out of convenience, I did about a year later, and soon found myself staring in the face of my sandwich-selling brethren. He looked at me, likely not remembering my iron-willed face, and said “boy, it’s cold as s*** out.” Thus, a mutual acquaintance-ship was born. We may never be best buds, strolling through the park on a breezy summer day, but at the very least he now lets me place two separate orders when getting a sandwich for one of my co-workers.
Service Grade: C+
So in conclusion, this isn’t the Pete Rose or the Derrick Rose of Subways – more like the Malik Rose. It’s not bad but, hey, every Rose has its thorn.