I don’t want to spoil your Super Bowl party by revealing the most astonishing 30 seconds of the game ahead of time – but if you really don’t mind being spoiled for one of the likely Acamdey Award winners for every category next year, read on.
OK, I’m just kidding…this is a Super Bowl TV spot for GI Joe: Retaliation, which simultaneously manages to look like both the best and worst thing ever.
Let’s review the greatness and horrid-ness of this TV spot:
1. The Rock quotes Jay-Z.
2. The Rock’s general presence.
3. Bruce Willis.
4. The Rock.
5. The Rock quotes Jay-Z. In case that wasn’t clear, this happens in an actual movie that is made by actual people.
1. The Rock quotes Jay-Z. The trailer then willingly follows with the same exact Jay-Z lyrics that The Rock quoted.
2. The Rock makes terrible movies.
3. Bruce Willis makes terrible movies.
4. In case it wasn’t clear, THE ROCK QUOTES JAY-Z IN THIS TRAILER. AND SAYS THAT HE IS QUOTING JAY-Z. THE FILM ACTUALLY SEEMS TO HAVE ZERO PROBLEM WITH THIS.
5. It is directed by Stephen Sommers. (Actually, no it’s not, but it’s a sequel to a Stephen Sommers movie.)
6. It is a GI Joe movie.
7. None of the action scenes seem to be shot straight.
8. Seriously, it’s a GI Joe movie.
9. There appears to be a GI Joe takeover of the White House. This was an actual thing written by an actual person claiming to be an actual scriptwriter. Let that sink into your head for a second.
I don’t want to write anything anymore because I’m in Syracuse and I have things to do. And I don’t know how to grade this, because it looks like the most awfully awesome or awesomefully awful thing of all-time.
Enjoy the Super Bowl. Go Giants.