I love Angry Birds.
I hate Angry Birds.
What a game! It’s a simple, yet tremendously addicting game that you can download for free on your smart phone, and now that I’ve moved into the 21st century, I’ve done just that. As dumb as Angry Birds seems on the surface, it’s actually quite ingenious. It constantly challenges you with different scenarios for every level. And it’s mind-bogglingly simple to play. You fire a bird from a slingshot, breaking through wood, stone, and other objects to squash pigs and earn points. All you need to do is touch the phone screen with your finger, and occasionally tap the screen a few extra times per level. As dumb as the concept seems, you won’t be able to put it down.
What a dumb concept! This is addicting in the same way you can’t stop listening to “Sexy and I Know It” or “Tik Tok.” If this thing cost $1.99, you wouldn’t see it on half the smart phones it’s currently on. Is there really nothing better to do with your time than to fire different kinds of birds at stupid green pigs? Most of the levels require about a 12 IQ to beat, but every now and then the game will throw in a near-impossible board. This, of course, keeps you coming back, and once you inevitably break through the tough ones, you return to the compatible-with-five-year-olds version of Angry Birds. Oh, look! I just shot a chubby green pig with a fat red bird! I will now continue to throw more brain cells into the nearest garbage can!
Angry Birds has hundreds of different boards, which are divided into smaller subsections. As you move along, you unlock different birds, which each have different abilities. For example, the yellow bird speeds up and tears through materials when you tap the screen again, the blue bird splits into three pieces, and the toucan boomerangs backwards. This helps the game from getting stale, as you’re constantly faced with different ways of attacking each board. Smart phones are limited by an obviously small screen, but Angry Birds makes up for that lack of size by emphasizing precision. And to emphasize repeated gameplay, you get somewhere from one to three stars on each level based on the number of points you acquire, assuring you’ll come back again and again to try and achieve three stars on every one.
Yeah, Angry Birds has hundreds of different boards. Guess what the goal is on Board 1? Kill the pigs. Know what Board 2 tells you to do? Kill the pigs. How about Board 3? Kill the…wait for it…waaaaaait for it…pigs! It’s the same mind-numbing concept every time. And don’t get me started on Angry Birds’ dumbest gimmick – assigning a star amount to every level. As if ANYONE is going to say “you know what, I only got two stars on Level 7-3…let me try it again!” What is there to gain besides a diminished IQ? This isn’t Super Mario 64, where you get all 120 stars and Yoshi comes out to the top of the castle. This is more like Stupid Mario.
One of the best features of Angry Birds is that you can play it anywhere. Just download it for your smart phone and you’re all set. Long line at the grocery store? Bust out the birds for a couple levels. Forty-five minute wait at Chili’s? (Worth it, obviously…) Fire away on your phone. You don’t get to sit at the dentist’s office with a PlayStation 3, but Angry Birds is always there, all the time.
One of the worst features of Angry Birds is that you can play it anywhere. Want to be judged by everyone in the post office? Shoot those fat chickens at the stone barriers while waiting for a stamp. There aren’t many things more frustrating than having your wait time increased by some teenager glued to his phone, oblivious to the rest of the extra world. Don’t be that guy. The world has survived for millions of years without Angry Birds. You can too.
But you don’t need me to tell you how much of a must-have Angry Birds is…just look around! There’s Angry Birds merchandise all over the place! You can buy a fluffy bird pillow, an Angry Birds shirt, a batch of Birds for your younger sister’s bedroom…hell, they’ll probably make an Angry Birds shot glass soon. When all of this comes from one simple smart phone game, you’ve created a monster.
Example #7,064 of how stupid our society is: you can actually buy Angry Birds merchandise. What morons want to purchase this stuff? There’s sure as hell nothing I want to do more than go to sleep with a giant red avian creature looking like it’s ready to attack staring down at me. What’s next? Stuffed gems from Bejeweled? Dinner tables in the shape of tiles from Words With Friends? Temple Run: The Card Game? Give me a break.
There’s no reason not to download Angry Birds. It’s the simplest form of fun you’ll have and available at any time. Grade: A.
Please don’t download Angry Birds. Unless losing brain cells, wasting time, and becoming less of a societal contributor are your methods of living, of course. Grade: F.
Ah, what the hell…