Video Review: Jean Dujardin’s Villain Auditions

If you are too dumb to realize it, let me make it apparently clear that you should watch the video before reading the rest of this post.  And here it is:

THIS IS THE JEAN DUJARDIN VIDEO WHICH I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO EMBED. PLEASE CLICK AND WATCH BEFORE READING THE REST OF THIS POST.

Some of you are undoubtedly wondering right now “who the hell is Jean Dujardin?”  Those of you who are wondering this a) are horrible people and b) should get your ass to see The Artist immediately.  Dujardin plays the lead role of George Valentin in the film – a potentially Oscar-winning performance in an almost-definite Oscar-winning film.  And just because he’s French doesn’t mean this guy can’t charm American audiences.

Here, Dujardin undergoes what has become somewhat of a rite of passage for actors or actresses looking to break out: a Funny or Die video.  (Quick side note: if you ran this sentence through the Emmitt Smith translator, it would read a “rice” of passage.)  And amazingly, it manages to live up to the high French standards set by Marion Cotillard’s “Forehead Tittaes” video.  (Not really safe for work, but also a gem.)

This is the Marion Cotillard video

So Dujardin here is faux-auditioning (fauxditioning?) for every upcoming villain role in Hollywood, as you have already seen.  Allow me to now publicly, at this moment, announce my undying love for Jean Dujardin.  I have watched this video five times already, and might watch it another 500 before the week is out.  If there’s any other non-English speaker as charming in the English language as Dujardin is, I want to find him or her immediately.  Anybody who can hook you for good from the lines “Not so fast, Mr. Bond.  You’re clever…but I’m more clever” is a star in the making.

Literally everything in this video is good, and I could go through it piece-by-piece, but let’s rank stuff instead!

Top 5 Movies That Need To Be Made From This Video

5) Spy Kids 5D – I shudder to imagine what the fifth dimension could be, but somehow, I still think Robert Rodriguez could make this possible.

4) Jack and Jill 2 – Might be the first movie ever to get a negative score on the Tomatometer.

3) We Bought A Zoo Too – #homonymwin

2) Tyler Perry’s Madea’s French Vacation – As long as Laurence Thomas is in this.  (That is a joke that 10 of my former Syracuse classmates will get, and those 10 people will be astonishingly happy at the possibility of this.)

1) Alvin and the Chipmunks: Squeak and Ye Shall Find – I would probably force myself to see an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie with a title as good as this.  Of course, no one involved with any of the three Alvin and the Chipmunks movies can lay claim to a single brain cell.

Top 5 Lines From This Video

5) “Not so fast, Spy Kids…no more child’s play!”

4) “Game over, Lisbeth Salander…your dragon tattoo cannot save you now.”

3) “Prepare to die, Jack and Jill.  Huh…I’ve never killed a brother and sister together.”

2) “Nice try, Bridesmaids, but…none of you gets a bouquet!”

1) “Larry Crowne…more like…Larry DROWNE!”

Now imagine a giant tsunami in the background.

Top 5 Line Readings From Jean Dujardin From This Video

5) Transformers 4 – How about Dujardin as the replacement for Shia LeBeouf, begging for the leader of the Autobots to save humanity with a desperate plea…”Optimus PRIME!”

4) The Bourne Legacy – I have absolutely no idea what accent that is, but it sounds like the most generic-evil-Blofeld type thing ever, and it is amazing.

3) Pirates of the Caribbean 5 – What is on his teeth?  I am truly frightened at this moment.

2) Larry Crowne 2 – This line reading and one-liner are so amazingly awful, they would fit right into Diamonds Are Forever and no one would notice.

1) Tyler Perry’s Madea’s French Vacation – Everything about this is funny.  And it’s only one line.

Special recognition also goes out to the fake Nikki Finke post at the end featuring Albert Nobbs 2: The Nobbening.  Somehow, some way, though, the only thing this video is missing is The Artist 2.  Imagine Dujardin turning into a villain and silently machine-gunning down his hapless cast on a new film.  Other than that, this is pretty much comedy perfection.

AND IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE ARTIST ALREADY, GO SEE IT NOW.  LITERALLY WALK OUT OF YOUR HOUSE RIGHT THIS MOMENT AND GET TO THE THEATRE.  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY.

Grade: A

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