Guest Review: Jon Early on The Best Unused Rap Name

So I’ve been talking about these guest reviews for a while, and today’s the day they spring into action.  Today’s is from Jon Early, who reviews the best unused name in hip-hop.  Speaking of hip-hop, I’d like to go ahead and submit the following chorus to anyone who wants to make a Jeremy Lin “Sexy and I Know It” parody.  This one’s on me, guys.

Girl, look at that Jeremy (Lin)

Girl, look at that Jeremy (Lin)

Girl, look at that Jeremy (Lin)

He works out!

When he puts up the shot, this is what I see

Scoring on a layup or sometimes on a three

He’s got a Spalding in his hand and he ain’t afraid to throw it, throw it

He’s Jeremy and he knows it

Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard Harvard man! (Do the Harvard thang!)

And now, Jon Early.

——

To start off – I am white.  Not just white, but Dave Matthews Band-loving, flip-flop wearing, light beer-drinking white.

Not an actual picture of Jon. But close.

With that out of the way, I absolutely love rap.  I think it’s so clever in the way rappers simply say things they aren’t allowed to say.  (It’s much better then my normal go to code of Pig Latin.)  But one thing that I’ve noticed as a rap enthusiast that absolutely amazes me is that the best rap name of all time has not been taken – it’s just waiting in the wings. That name?

Gatsby.

Who knew F. Scott Fitzgerald would come up with a name that was voted best rap name by Jon Early’s top 100 rap names of all time?  (Editor’s note: Not me!)  But the best thing about the name is that it fits and tells the story of your average rapper.  For starters, Jay Gatsby lives the lifestyle of an extravagant man.  The man had parties every single night full of booze, loose women and more booze.  Gatsby was big pimpin’ way back in 1929.  What rapper doesn’t want to have awesome parties every night full of women? (Well, besides Common.)

In the rules dictated from God, God told rappers every album needs a slow jam on it.  Other rules include thou shalt ball so hard.  (Editor’s note: What?)  What would be a better slow jam than making a song about getting rich and famous to find that girl who moved away and treat her right?  Come on, even Diddy is weeping right now.  Nothing is more authentic in rap then a tale of hustling on the streets. Everyone is bragging about it. Even these guys.

Every day they’re hustlin’.

Jay-Z, the best rapper alive according to everyone except Kanye West, used to sell crack in the Marcy Projects before becoming a rapper, businessman, and a business….man.  Gatsby made all his money from illegal bootlegging where his life was always in danger.  Include the obvious “gat” reference with the name and you have a straight-up thug.  Do you see what I’m getting at yet?  (Editor’s note: I’m a little scared at the moment.)

Finally, don’t you think The Great Gatsby would be a great title for an album?  Thugged-out guy in front of a giant house with two giant floating eyes in the background.  Bam.  Killer.

Let this article be a call to action.  Some up-and-coming rapper out there needs to adopt this name.  Jay Gatsby is a great rap name because he lived the type of lifestyle that a rapper wants.  If I don’t see an rap album out with Gatsby on it by 2015, I am taking that name for myself.  And trust me, no one wants that.  (Editor’s note: Correct.)

Because every article on Kevin Reviews Things needs a letter grade, I give myself an A+.

——

See?  Guest reviewing isn’t that hard!  If you think you can do better than Jon (and trust me, I edited quite a bit of grammar) shoot me an email at kevinnoble.brown@gmail.com.  I expect a guest review from someone who sees Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance this weekend.

My Halloween costume this year.

Many thanks to Jon Early for his long and winding road of Gatsby-dom.  See you next week with a look ahead at the rest of the year in films.

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2 responses to “Guest Review: Jon Early on The Best Unused Rap Name

  1. I’m a Rapper from New Jersey and I go By the name of Jay Brooks. I have used jay Gatsby as a mini moniker in some of my songs. I was wondering if that name had been taken and after seeing this I now have hope. Thank you!

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