From all of us at Kevin Reviews Things (me) to all of you, happy Friday! Today concludes the first week back of official return of the blog, which counts for something. (No, it really doesn’t.) I’ve enjoyed the response to the first few posts this week, especially yesterday’s, where I discovered a good deal of my friends are also completely out of shape. Glad to inspire negativity.
As a reminder – send me your ideas for the blog, whether they’re things you want to review or you just want to see me write about. Shoot them over to email@example.com and I’ll be sure to take your thoughts into consideration.
And as proof of that last point, we welcome in our fifth ever guest reviewer here at Kevin Reviews Things: my cousin, Chris Munzing! Let’s hear it for him, folks!
Take it away, Mr. Munzing…
There’s an intense scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan where Ricardo Montalban puts a “ceti eel” in Chekov’s ear. The things burrows into Chekov’s brain, leaving him susceptible to suggestion and allowing to extract valuable intel on the whereabouts of one Captain James T. Kirk.
Now, obviously I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know (I assume you’re all familiar with the plot of Star Trek II). But I thought of this scene this morning as I bounced around my apartment belting out the chorus to Taylor Swift’s new single “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.” To answer your next question, I am a 31-year-old man. (Editor’s note: I can confirm this.)
Oh, how this song has infiltrated my brain. I have always had a soft spot for female singer/songwriters. I will go to my grave proclaiming Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles” to be one of the ten best songs of the past 50 years, and Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone” is an effing BANGER. (Ed’s note: On the Kelly Clarkson point, oh HELL yes. Five-star rating on my iPod.) But I hadn’t gotten that feeling from Taylor Swift. Not enough angst. Not enough time in the gutter. Too much unbridled joy and enthusiasm.
Avril Lavigne has some stank on her. Pink will bite your cheek in a fight.
But then my smoking-hot wife, Cat, wanted to watch the VMAs a few days ago. We suffered through the typical fare of people I’ve never heard of presenting awards to artists for videos I’ve never seen. Lil Wayne was wearing headphones because he was like “F*** you MTV, I don’t even CARE right now!”
Taylor Swift is the closer, however, and she immediately starts sing/talk/rapping? and it’s terrible and I’m covering my face with my hands because I’m embarrassed and Cat is cringing because are you serious? Luckily, TS pulls it together and sings about breaking up and never EVER EVER getting back together with an unseen suitor. And after it was over I thought, “Huh, that was…..good?”
(Side note: Apparently TS has left the period of her career where she’s everyone’s favorite wholesome farm girl and entered the hot pants portion. Record company people are shadyyyyyyyyyyyyy.)
Later whilst I slept, however, the song took root in brain, building itself a cocoon of my brain fibers and gestated, growing stronger as it gained sustenance from my cerebral cortex until it emerged as a throbbing impulse to get to a computer the following morning and watch the video on YouTube because holy shit this is the greatest song I’ve ever heard.
Taylor Swift is crafty with this song because she’s essentially giving you three songs in one. It starts out with Taylor just talkin’ to you, her bestie, about the guy she just can’t take anymore. Oh he’s trying to worm his way back in, but no more.
Then she full on Taylor Swift’s you, with a little high-pitched “oooooooo-OOOOO-OOOO-OOO-OOOOOO” and it is ON. She’s reeling you in with that siren song and here comes the hook:
Oh, clever girl. Start me out low and then jack up the volume. We’re at the top of the roller coaster arc now. What’s on the other side? How fast will we go? How hard will it RAWK?
ARE NEVER EVER EVER
Gurrrrrrl power! Boys stink! Girls rule and guys drool!
GETTING BACK TOGETHER!
Hear. Me. Roar.
Oh, it’s masterfully done. It’s been a week and I’m still singing it. I don’t care who knows it. Taylor Swift has taken my shame. She has shown me a better way to live and that is to immerse myself in the music video world she inhabits. And what a music video it is. It’s like the director crawled inside Zooey Deschanel’s brain and started rolling. (Ed’s note: Zooey Deschanel references are an easy way to my heart. You know, for any single women reading this blog.) Crocheted everything! People in fuzzy animal costumes! Taylor Swift wearing black framed glasses with no lenses in them because she’s just a regular gal with boy problems just like you! Except she’s a billionaire and that boy is Jake Gyllenhaal or some Kennedy spawn.
Surely, however, I will get sick of this song eventually. But for now, I will enjoy this ride. I encourage you all to climb aboard.
My grade: A
Thanks to Chris for this tremendous work. What a hilariously well-written review, even if no Taylor Swift song could ever possibly be this good. Although I suppose I should listen first, right? All right, let’s check it out. I have three and a-half minutes to spare.
This is a little weird, but…boy, you know what? This is actually not so bad.
Honestly, I’d say this is up there with Kelly Clarkson’s better offerings. And if you know me, you know I love Kelly Clarkson.
One listen will be all for now, though. Can’t risk getting this stuck in my…what was that, right hand? You want to hit the replay button? Don’t be silly…wait? What are you doing??? Stop moving!!! Don’t hit the…no…no…no, here it is ag…oh my goodness, it’s so catchy…WE…someone stop me please…ARE NEVER EVER EVER…
Enjoy the weekend, everyone.