Food Review: Peanut Butter Ritz

Because I’m a sports broadcaster, I don’t have what you’d call a typical 9-to-5 job.  In fact, there’s really nothing typical about my work hours.  I present this current week as Exhibit A:

Monday: Work in my parish office, 8 AM to 3 PM (part-time job)

Tuesday: Broadcast a 7:30 PM soccer game at Lehman College in the Bronx

Wednesday: Broadcast a 4:30 PM soccer game at Baldwin High School, right near my house

Thursday: 8 to 3 in the parish office again

Friday: Day off

Saturday: 11:00 AM soccer game at Jericho High School, 25 minutes from my house

Sunday: Watch football

There’s nothing 9-to-5-ish about it, really.  So that means I’m home at parts of the day when most people are at work and at work during parts of the day when most people are at home.  It’s a strange profession, to be certain.  But there’s one thing that typically is a constant: I need to find my own lunch.

Now, as a recent college graduate who’s not exactly raking in the dough, going out for lunch every day isn’t exactly a feasible option.  And in terms of home options, there are generally cold cuts around, but turkey only lasts so long – especially in my household.  What’s a growing young man to do?  Thankfully, the answer is simple – peanut butter Ritz crackers.

There are two food items that you can almost always find in my house – a jar of peanut butter and a box of Ritz crackers.  It’s a death-and-taxes-type guarantee that the Brown family will be supporting Skippy and Nabisco at all points.  So combining them is never an issue in terms of availability, and it certainly isn’t one in terms of difficulty.  Even I can’t manage to mess up slathering peanut butter onto a freaking cracker, and I’m as bad at making food taste good as Nick Saban is at happily absorbing Gatorade showers.

My favorite part of this picture might be the guy in the right corner who looks ready to lick the Gatorade off of the turf.

In fact, I can honestly say I love peanut butter Ritz crackers as much as any other lunch.  Why?  Let me count the ways:

1. They couldn’t be any simpler to make, as detailed above.

2. They’re way better than peanut butter sandwiches.  There’s just so much room on the bread that’s untouched by peanut-buttery goodness in the former example.  But the peanut butter to cracker ratio is akin to the ratio of oceans to total mass of Earth.  And there’s no salt water, seaweed or giant squids in peanut butter Ritz.

Davy Jones.

3. They take milk to a whole ‘nother level.  So much so that I don’t even feel right saying “another” in lieu of “‘nother.”  Milk, as a drink, is quite solid – I’d call it the Scottie Pippen of drinks.  By itself, it certainly satisfies.  But put milk as a complementary player to a superstar food item (Ritz crackers, Oreos, cupcakes) and it becomes out-of-these-bleeping-world good.  With peanut butter Ritz crackers, milk turns into a no-doubt, first-ballot Hall of Famer.  But that’s not your only option with peanut butter Ritz – eat them with iced tea, fruit punch, juice, water or whatever you want, and the drink will satisfy.  You can’t say that about many foods, but peanut butter Ritz are full of versatility – quite like Scottie Pippen!

(Wait, did I just compare both the food and the drink in this equation to Scottie Pippen?  I need new analogies.)

4. They’re cheap.  One jar of peanut butter.  One box of Ritz crackers.  And boom, you’re set for weeks.  See how long a bunch of turkey that costs the same amount will last you.

5. We’re not talking about a protein shake here, but really, this is far from a bad food option.  How unhealthy can a bunch of crackers with peanut butter be?  If the answer was “very unhealthy”, I would have keeled over about 175 times over the last few years.

And there’s my case, folks.  If Nabisco needs a new corporate sponsor, I am locked and loaded and ready to go.  (I would also like to mention that I’ve spent as much time on as I have eating peanut butter Ritz crackers in my life, in case you need a second reference.)  In fact, I might just start putting Nabisco advertisements on the side of this blog, just as soon as I figure out how the hell to change the design on this thing.

Grade: A


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