I may be the only person I know aged 21 or older who can honestly claim the following sentence: I have never drank coffee. And I take the word “drank” to its fullest extreme here. I have never so much as sipped a cup of coffee or let the drink go anywhere near my taste buds. I had a very brief sip of iced coffee once and hated everything about it, so perhaps that counts on a technicality. But otherwise, I have no interest. Why? Because I don’t want to start drinking it and never stop.
So my early mornings have to be filled with some other sort of beverage to perk me up, since most of those mornings are preceded by late, occasionally sleepless nights. Often over the past year-and-a-half, that beverage has been Dunkin Donuts’ Coolatta. (TM) A Coolatta, as you may know, is a…well, what is it, exactly? It’s some sort of fruity, sugary drunk, I suppose, outside of the coffee version, which I’ve never tasted. It’s a slushie-type thing, not straight liquid but certainly not a solid. It’s probably somewhere in between those pictures of little black dots jumping around in a box that stood in for molecules in chemistry class.
It’s not difficult to understand why I like Coolattas so much – it’s the taste, stupid. (I apologize for calling you stupid.) The orange Coolattas taste like…an orange drink. The blue raspberry Coolattas taste like…OK, seriously, I’m not doing this for every flavor. BUT! The greatest thing about Coolattas is combining flavors, which is completely legal, until our government outlaws it. (By the way, whatever Presidential candidate decides to add additional Coolatta flavors has my vote.) The blue raspberry/orange combination is simply heavenly, even if looks like a Hulk (TM) energy drink afterward. The ugly shade of green certainly does not taste ugly or green. The blue raspberry/cherry combination is also spectacular, with a very grape-ish flavor. (Is it “grape-ish” or “grape-esque”? Ponder that and get back to me.)
Another great thing about the Coolatta is its perfectly designed “Medium” size. This is large enough that you’ll never need to order a “Large”, but not overwhelmingly big enough to make you go for a “Small” if you’re not too thirsty. Wait, hang on. Is this the single dumbest paragraph ever written on this website? Yes, yes, I think it is. Let’s move on here.
In the interest of fairness, there are two negatives I must mention about the Coolatta. The first – it’s not readily available at all times of the year. The local Dunkin’ Donuts near my house has but three or so flavors available outside of the summer months – orange, cherry and coffee. That leaves me with just three possibilities, since I don’t drink coffee, while the summer months contain an endless array of potential mixtures. Blue Raspberry! Strawberry! Lemonade! Cinder Block!
The second negative is perhaps the scariest one. Let’s go back to an earlier point – again, what the hell is the Coolatta? Has anyone ever seen a Dunkin Donuts’ employee make one of these things? It’s, from my best guess, a combination of food coloring, sugar, baby marshmallow creatures, water, blender and sparkles. The employee puts a small amount of liquid into a cup, spins it around a few times with a thing, and – voila! – delicious, fruity magic. But for all I know, I could be consuming mosquito bits during this Fruity Excursion. (TM)
I can’t give Coolattas a poor grade, though, as I’ve probably had about 120 of them since last summer. Check back on me in a year for a potentially revised mark, however.