I didn’t know Christopher Columbus. (Shocking, I know.) So maybe I shouldn’t crush the guy when I never actually met him. Might have been a righteous dude. But from all we know, Columbus was not the first person to discover America. (He just stayed.) He was not the first person to believe the Earth was round. He brutalized and enslaved people. He is basically persona non grata for Native Americans. He earned most of his income from slavery. He…you know what, I’m just going to link to this.
But hey, it’s a day off! Hooray for honoring brutal colonizers, right? What could be more American than that?
In the true American spirit of copping out, it’s time to go watch the Yankees win and the Jets lose by 40.