Halloween Costume Review: Nothing

I don’t know if you folks realize this, but Halloween is in just six days.  For those of us currently costume-free, that’s a serious issue.  And I doubt anyone wants a repeat of my brilliantly, meticulously designed costume from last year: “Occupy Wall Street Old Man Charlie Sheen Brett Favre.”  No, I will not be taking questions.

Talk to my agent.

I happen to think Halloween is a generally overrated holiday, a view that many people seem to share between the ages of, say, 13 and 16.  But for whatever reason, Halloween becomes a day of supreme national importance once again once college hits.  (In case you’re wondering, “whatever reason” can be loosely translated as “hooligans partying and drinking jungle juice.”)  And now, just one-and-a-half years out of college, Halloween is still a serious thing among my friends.  I feel myself being sucked in to the Halloween vortex once again, potentially with no end in sight.  And that is a more terrifying proposition than the old Hicks Nurseries haunted house.

Oh, I’ve been given suggestions.  A shot in the dark (all black, shot glass around your neck), a retro iPod commercial (all black, white iPod with white headphones), the boy who cried “wolf” (a little speech bubble with wolf) – all mildly clever suggestions from friends.  (Actually, those were all from my friend Christen in the last 10 minutes.  Which is an irrelevant detail.)  But for a few years now, I’ve been thinking of that absolute knockout Halloween costume, that costume that doesn’t require much shopping or putting together but will steal every party I go to – and I still haven’t found it.

It’s a dilemma, to be sure.  I want to be the best around, but I don’t want to do any work for it.  (Hey, this sort of sounds like school!)  The odds-on favorite seems to be “nothing” once again, though I can always play that off in a few different ways:

– Two years ago, I wore my typical outfit of a Syracuse fleece and a Syracuse hat.  I was asked by multiple people if I was Doug Marrone or Jim Boeheim.  The answer, obviously, was yes.

They should have seen my costume from the previous night.

– I’m a werewolf.  The full moon’s not out yet.  (Downside: An actual full moon really kills this cause.)

– An “Occupy Halloween” protester.  This may be slightly dated by now.

– An undercover cop.  Though by telling someone, that sort of ruins the whole premise, no?  (Also, I could just dress up like a police officer and put a sheet over my head if I was going to do this.)

Under the guise of posting this on a review blog, I’m giving myself a solid D- for the nothing costume.  I’ll be thinking more over the next 48 hours about what to do.  But boy…that D- is at least better than an F, right?


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