The End Of Hostess: A Review

It’s time for Day 3 of Thanksgiving Week, in which we talk about food.  Yeah, I’m gonna stop trying these posts are even loosely connected at this point.

TURKEY!

——

Unless you’ve been living under or inside of a rock, you know that Hostess Brands is practically shut down after 82 years of operation.  Obviously, the whole world is in an uproar, because the loss of Twinkies is the most important thing in the world.  War in the Gaza Strip?  Presidential election?  Jim Rome’s new Showtime show?  All pale in comparison to the loss of Twinkies.  And, you know, other things.  As this is the most topical situation on Earth at the moment, I feel the need to review exactly what the loss of Hostess will main for the future of mankind.

Twinkies: This is the big one.  A miniature golden cake with a creamy center, the Twinkie has become one of the most recognizable snacks in the world.  But just like Nickelback’s become of the most recognizable rock bands in the world, public visibility is no guarantee of quality.  Let’s be honest, folks – Twinkies are terrible.  The golden outside of the Twinkie is not that tasty, it doesn’t mesh well with the cream and it’s just processed crap without much taste.  And as if it wasn’t bad enough, I’m just discovering through my research that Hostess made banana-cream Twinkies, which sounds like the equivalent of swallowing a wooden plank.

In fact, the only good thing about Twinkies was their existence as a pivotal plot point in Zombieland (the below link is slightly NSFW, due to language)…

We’ll always have that scene, and now some of us know how Tallahassee felt.  But that’s the only reminder we need of a woebegone, overrated snack.

Verdict: Who cares?

Drake’s Products: Now we’re starting to get somewhere.  Whether or not you realize it, Drake’s was owned by Hostess and created some of the company’s most iconic products.  Remember that white duck with the spoon in the chef’s hat?  That’s Don Draper the Drake Duck.  (One of the above sentences is completely fabricated.)

The loss of Drake’s means the loss of Drake’s Coffee Cakes, which I may have eaten more than any other breakfast food in my lifetime.  Not to worry, though, because those things are completely mediocre taste-wise and probably terrible for your stomach.

I mean, look at this thing…does this look like an item you would really like to consume? You want this rolling around in your body? I didn’t think so. What is in this, anyway?

The greatest loss will be Drake’s Devil Dogs, a hot-dog-shaped devil’s food cake sandwich with a creme filling.  Granted, I haven’t had one of these in a few years, but they’re just delicious.  The devil’s food exterior is the key here.  You have to have a heavy devil’s food to creme ratio in each bite, or else the Devil Dog tastes horrible.

Verdict: A moderately annoying, but ultimately inconsequential loss.

Wonder Bread: Wonder Bread is a solid-tasting bread.  But it pales in comparison to Arnold Bread, the greatest bread known to mankind.  Let’s count the reasons why:

1) Bread size.  Arnold Bread slices feel significantly larger than Wonder Bread slices.

2) Logo.  Arnold Bread looks classy and healthful.  Wonder Bread looks like something out of a kid’s cartoon.

3) Variety.  Arnold Bread makes great Sandwich Thins and other whole-grain nonsense, for people who care about such things.  Have you ever seen anybody buy Whole Grain Wonder Bread?

Verdict: Schwarzenegger > Stevie

The real Arnold Bread.

Mini Muffins: I’ll let the clip below sum up my thoughts here.

Mini Muffins are in the pantheon of Breakfast Foods That Are Probably Bad For You, But Man, Are They Tasty.  (Also in the pantheon: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Entenmann’s Chocolate Frosted Donuts and certain flavors of Pop-Tarts.)  Chocolate Chip Mini Muffins, in particular, are spectacularly tasty.  Other mini-muffin brands cannot capture the same delicious flavor and fail in trying to do so.   Hostess’ Mini Muffins were not only great for a quick and delicious breakfast but were an excellent snack on the go.  Now, they’re gone forever, and I’m left to drown in my sorrows with more cereal and toast.

Verdict: I hope the Mayans were right.

——

So there you have it.  For my stomach, it’s good.  For my Mini Muffins-loving self, it’s bad.  All things considered, though, the loss of Hostess isn’t going to change my world one bit.  For that – and the fact that I don’t know what the grading scale really means here – I give it a…

Grade: C

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