Sorry for the delay in today’s review (no one cares, I know) – I’ve had a busy day that culminated in a date. That’s right, an actual date! With me! (Wow!)
My aunt decided she wanted to set up with a girl that tutors one of my cousins, because I’m apparently 37 years old and people are worrying about my relationship status. But, being the gentleman and scholar that I am, I agreed, and tonight, we dined in hell!…er, drank. In a bar. Not in hell.
The evening was lovely (thank you for asking), and in fact, I’ve been inspired by tonight’s events to help others. If you should ever find yourself in a similar situation, just follow these simple rules and you’ll be in hot demand:
1) Acknowledge The Awkwardness
Blind first dates (first blind dates?) are inherently awkward. They have to be, in some respect. You’re seeing a person that you’ve never met before, that in some cases, you’ve never even seen before. When that person walks in, or when you walk in, there’s a moment of “is this the person I’m supposed to be meeting?” Then, you go through the checklist of where that person’s from, what their job is, what kind of music they listen to, where they went to college, whether they drink coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks, how many pets they owned, what their favorite prime number is, if they prefer George H. W. Bush or George W. Bush, how many licks it takes to get them into the center of a Tootsie Roll pop and how much wood they think a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
In this part of the conversation, there are inherently going to be awkward moments and silences. Embrace them. Laugh at the stupidity of the whole ordeal. Look at the fake watch you don’t actually have on your wrist. And…
2) Make Fun Of Everyone Around You
Because everyone else at the restaurant/bar/wherever you are is definitely dumber than you. And don’t you ever forget that.
3) Make Fun Of The Waitress If She Writes “Thank You” And Draws A Heart On Your Check, Even If You Are Clearly With One Other Person Who Is Female
Just in case this happens.
4) Make Sure There Are No Significantly Important Games On TV That Could Draw Your Attention Away
For example, if the only games on are early-season college basketball games such as Baylor/Texas Tech and Alabama/Missouri, along with a replay of a Knicks loss from the night before, you should be OK. Again, just in case.
5) Make Fun Of Yourself As Much As Possible
I’m always on board for some good self-deprecating humor. Especially being someone that has more than enough material with which to self-deprecate. (Is that a proper term? Self-deprecate?)
6) Be Funny
Sorry, I can’t much help you on specific details with this one.
That just about wraps it up. Follow these six simple steps, and you’ll be dating my teenage da…no, hang on a second…you’ll just be having a grand old time. Or grand ole’ time, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Oh, and one more piece of advice…
7) Make Sure The Girl Is Nice