2013 Movie Preview: Part Four

Before we head into the final day of this week’s slew of 2013 movie previews, I’d like to share a few words from a close friend of the blog: “**** you and your bull**** reviews giving goslings movie a good rating and the real Ryan (Reynolds) a bad one…we all know RIPD is going to be a ****ing masterpiece”.

On that note, let’s screw up some more predictions!  October, November and December’s movies, previewed…


Gravity (October 4)
Premise: Sandra Bullock and George Clooney star as astronauts hoping to return from a damaged space station.  Alfonso Cuarón directs a supposedly CGI-heavy, visually inventive film.
Why It Could Work: Cuarón is a terrific director…the project interested a ton of big names before Bullock and Clooney eventually signed on…early buzz has this pegged an astonishingly great visual experience.
Why It Could Bomb: The vast majority of the movie is Bullock alone, which could get a little weary for some viewers…the visuals may overtake the story…it’s been in development for years.
RT Prediction: 72%

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (October 4)
Premise: The sequel to 2005’s Sin City, which features newcomers Josh Brolin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ray Liotta and Jeremy Piven along with the large returning ensemble.
Why It Could Work: The first film was great…the cast here is terrific…we can always use more film noir, right?
Why It Could Bomb: It’s another sequel that no one else was really calling for.
RT Prediction: 75%

Captain Phillips (October 11)
Premise: Tom Hanks stars as Richard Phillips, the captain of a cargo ship that was seized by Somali pirates in 2009.  Paul Greengrass (the Bourne franchise) directs.
Why It Could Work: Tom Hanks, for one…the movie was pushed back from early in the year until October, which means hopes might be high for an Oscar run.
Why It Could Bomb: Generic biopic potential…Hanks hasn’t starred in a good live-action movie since 2007.
RT Prediction: 90%

How is this not called “Saving Captain Phillips”?

Oldboy (October 11)
Premise: A remake of the highly acclaimed 2003 South Korean film about a man trapped in a hotel room for years, who emerges to find himself in “a web of conspiracy and violence”.  Spike Lee directs.
Why It Could Work: Josh Brolin in the lead role…Elizabeth Olsen as the lead female…Sharlto Copley as the villain…Samuel L. Jackson as someone…based off of a beloved original.
Why It Could Bomb: It’s a remake…it’s from the screenwriter of Poseidon.
RT Prediction: 84%

Carrie (October 18)
Premise: A remake of the 1976 horror classic.
Why It Could Work: Good talent involved (Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer).
Why It Could Bomb: It’s a remake…it’s from the screenwriter of episodes of Glee.
RT Prediction: 65%

Paranormal Activity 5 (October 25)
Premise: http://youtu.be/04B4mi1QfEM?t=59s
Why It Could Work: Oren Peli, the director of the original film, returns (for some reason).
Why It Could Bomb: FIVE?!?!
RT Prediction: 40%

The World’s End (October 25)
Premise: Five longtime friends meet for a pub crawl at the end of the world.  The third collaboration between director Edgar Wright and stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost.
Why It Could Work: It’s the third movie in the gang’s loosely connected “Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy”, after Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, which are both amazing, and that is reason enough…Martin Freeman!
Why It Could Bomb: Maybe they ran out of good ideas?  This is very unlikely.
RT Prediction: 92%

Better hair…Watson’s communion combover here? Or Sherlock later on in the post? Hold on, you’ll get to it eventually…

Ender’s Game (November 1)
Premise: Based off the popular young adult novel, a gifted child is sent into space to prepare for an alien invasion.
Why It Could Work: Harrison Ford in space…Ben Kingsley in anywhere…people love the book.
Why It Could Bomb: …if they loved it so much, why hasn’t it been made into a movie in 25+ years?…Gavin Hood’s last directorial “effort” was X-Men Origins: Wolverine.
RT Prediction: 48%

Thor: The Dark World (November 8)
Premise: In the sequel to the thoroughly enjoyable 2011 film, Thor must battle to save the Nine Realms.  Which sounds important.
Why It Could Work: Thor was awesome…more Loki…Natalie Portman…director Alan Taylor, who has a ton of experience with this sort of thing thanks to Game of Thrones.
Why It Could Bomb: Alan Taylor has never actually directed a feature film that anyone’s ever heard of…remember the last Marvel sequel?…a ton of very fantastical elements in a supposedly grounded Marvel universe.
RT Prediction: 67%

The Counselor (November 15)
Premise: Author Cormac McCarthy (No Country For Old Men, The Road) takes his first foray into screenwriting with the story of a lawyer (Michael Fassbender) who gets in over his head when he becomes involved with drug trafficking.  Ridley Scott directs.
Why It Could Work: The cast is, to put it mildly freaking bananas – Fassbender (!), Brad Pitt (!), Javier Bardem (!), Penelope Cruz (!), Cameron Diaz, John Leguizamo and Dean “Hank from Breaking Bad” Norris, among others…seriously, someone has to win an Oscar for this, right?…Scott’s directorial career speaks for itself.
Why It Could Bomb: A good author does not a good screenwriter make, necessarily…the last decade of Scott’s directorial career isn’t all that pretty.
RT Prediction: 80%

The Fifth Estate (November 15)
Premise: Benedict Cumberbatch (MORE SHERLOCK!) stars as Julian Assange, the man behind WikiLeaks.
Why It Could Work: Sherlock…Sherlock…Daniel Bruhl as his right-hand man…Sherlock…juicy subject matter…Sherlock.
Why It Could Bomb: Bill Condon just directed Breaking Dawn…yep, that’s the Twilight one.
RT Prediction: 69%

And here’s your Sherlock hair!…what the 80s hair metal blonde wig is THAT?

Grudge Match (November 15)
Premise: Two old boxers fight.  Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone play the boxers.  Go right ahead.
Why It Could Work: I hear these two have played boxers before.
Why It Could Bomb: I hear it’s not 1980.
RT Prediction: 40%

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (November 22)
Premise: The sequel to the movie that made a billion kajillion dollars last year.  Starring Jennifer Lawrence (<3 ❤ ❤ ❤ <3).
Why It Could Work: The future Mrs. Brown.  Also, the rest of the cast is really gOHWHOCARES it has Jennifer Lawrence.  Love is all you need.  (Also, the two screenwriters have each won Oscars.  Also, Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a character named “Plutarch Heavensbee”.)
Why It Could Bomb: Gary Ross is replaced as director by Francis Lawrence (Constantine, I Am Legend, Water for Elephants), whose filmography is middling at best.
RT Prediction: 80% (Jennifer% – 20%.)

A Madea Christmas (December 13)
Premise: Oh, enough already.
RT Prediction: 18%

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (December 13)
Premise: Part two of the trilogy spanning 300 whole pages of a children’s book.  STEP IN LINE, PETER JACKSON WILL BE ACCEPTING ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!
Why It Could Work: Martin Freeman was really good in the first one…and Gandalf…and maybe they’ll figure out the screenplay…and Sherlock is in this one!…
Why It Could Bomb: …why is this three movies.
RT Prediction: 58%

Monuments Men (December 18)
Premise: An Allied group is tasked with saving pieces of art before Hitler destroys them during World War II.  Starring George Clooney.  Directed by George Clooney.  Written by George Clooney.  Produced by George Clooney.
Why It Could Work: Daniel Craig, Cate Blanchett, Matt Damon, John Goodman, Bill Murray, that Clooney guy.  Yes, this is the film set you want to be on more than any other this year.
Why It Could Bomb: I mean, this just screams Oscar-bait, doesn’t it?
RT Prediction: 73%

Anchorman: The Legend Continues (December 20)
Premise: Milk becomes a respectable choice.
Why It Could Work: 60% of the time, it could work every time.
Why It Could Bomb: The last funny Will Ferrell movie was Step Brothers.
RT Prediction: 76%

Poster of the year.

Last Vegas (December 20)
Premise: Four best friends throw a bachelor party in Las Vegas.  The twist?  They’re all old!
Why It Could Work: Michael Douglas, Robert DeNiro, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Kline.  You could do a lot worse than that.
Why It Could Bomb: 50 Cent.  You could do a lot better than that…From the director of National Treasure! (Which one?  both!)…anyone else think this’ll just be like The Hangover, but old?
RT Prediction: 34%

Saving Mr. Banks (December 20)
Premise: A movie about the production of Mary Poppins, starring Tom Hanks as Walt Disney (OSCAR-BAIT ALERT) and Emma Thompson as author P.L. Travers (OSCAR-BAIT ALERT).
Why It Could Work: Colin Farrell, Jason Schwartzman and B.J. Novak are apparently in this for some reason…BRADLEY WHITFORD!  West Wing pride!…Tom Hanks is starring as Walt Disney, do you seriously think this is not going to be good?
Why It Could Bomb: From the director of The Blind Side (OSCAR-BAIT ALERT)…a movie about Walt Disney and a Disney movie, distributed by Walt Disney Pictures (OSCAR-BAIT ALERT)…released December 20 (OSCAR-BAIT ALERT).
RT Prediction: 68% (And nominated for 10 Oscars)

47 Ronin (December 25)
Premise: A samurai movie starring Keanu Reeves.  Try and make it through that sentence without laughing.  (Also, this was filmed in Budapest.  Try and find the clip of Keanu Reeves pronouncing “Budapest” from Dracula.  Well worth your time.)
Why It Could Work: Uh…the budget was $200 million?  So that’s gotta buy some cool st…
Why It Could Bomb: …HOLY CRAP THE BUDGET WAS $200 MILLION?!?!?!?!
RT Prediction: 37%

Jack Ryan (December 25)
Premise: Tom Cruise stars as…oops, wait, wrong Christmas Jack R.  This is a reboot of the Tom Clancy character played previously by Alec Baldwin, Harrison Ford and Ben Affleck, with Chris Pine taking the reigns.
Why It Could Work: Kenneth Branagh directs and plays the villain, which is pretty fantastic…Keira Knightley and Kevin Costner, both of whom I irrationally love…the Jack Ryan movies are pretty good.
Why It Could Bomb: This was the best title we could came up with?  Seriously?  Because Jack Reacher did soooooo well…four different screenwriters.
RT Prediction: 70%

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty (December 25)
Premise: Ben Stiller directs and stars in the classic (I guess) short story about an ordinary man who has a bunch of daydreams.
Why It Could Work: Lots of fantastic funny people in the cast (Adam Scott, Kristen Wiig, Kathryn Hahn, Patton Oswalt)…the movie shot in Manhattan and Iceland, which is neat, or something…that was a stupid reason, that last one…Ben Stiller directed Tropic Thunder, and don’t you forget what kind of farmer Robert Downey Jr. is in that movie.
Why It Could Bomb: Last movie I can think of based off of a short story with the name template The ____ ____ of FirstName LastNameThe Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  Which was only OK…that was also a stupid reason.
RT Prediction: 72%

And the Oscar for Best Makeup goes to…

And one more…

Inside Llewelyn Davis (TBD)
Premise: The new Coen Brothers movie doesn’t have a release date, but it has a trailer as of today…and here it is.  In short: it looks awesome.
RT Prediction: 94%


That’s it and that’s all for this year’s movie preview.  Thanks for sticking around.  Tomorrow, we prove that the blog can be about other things.  Huzzah!


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