If Billy Crystal Hosted The 2013 Oscars

Billy Crystal’s return to host the Oscars last year was somewhat less than triumphant. But what if it hadn’t been? What if the Academy had eaten up Crystal’s familiar shtick? Here at the blog, we’ve learned that Billy has a monologue ready to go just in case Seth McFarlane gets cut down by a vindictive celebrity on the way to the show. And here it is…

——

“Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Oscars. I’m your host, Billy Crystal, and I’m hoping we’ll finish this show by Zero Dark Thirty.” *pause to smile and wait for applause*

“Every year, I’ve poked a little fun at the big ensemble numbers that used to start this show. And I’m through with that, you know? I’m certainly not going to do it once again for nine nominated pictures. I nearly pulled a hamstring running through the monologue last year. I’m old and creaky enough to be on the Yankees.

So this year, you are certainly not going to hear that familiar introduction to start the show. You are not going to hear those words…

Iiiiiiiiitttttt’s aaaaaaaaaaaaa…

wonderful night for Oscar! Oscar, Oscar! Who will win? The nine films nominated for Best Picture are…

In the style of “Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah”…

Hello Quentin
Hello Christoph
You got Spike Lee
Very pissed off
Django’s very
entertaining
I enjoyed the part with all of the unchaining”

In the style of “Fame”…

“Ben!
I’m gonna direct Argo!
Get all these nominations!
Ben!
Got everything that’s important!
Except I might have missed one!
Ben!
Not that I’m missing this Oscar
I’ve got no room on the shelf!
Ben!
I’m gonna tell the Academy
Argo you-know-what yourself!”

In the style of “There’s No Business Like Show Business I Know”…

“There’s no business like Les Mizness like no business I know!
See Hugh Jackman in a beard, he’s stealing
Everything that bishop will allow
Anne Hathaway’s emoting all the feelings
Hair cut perfectly, we don’t know how”

In the style of “Luck Be A Lady”…

“They call you Mr. Prez, but there is room for doubt.
At times I wonder when you’re gonna let those darn slaves out!
You run the Cabinet and all you hear is old man groans
And that’s not even from the parts that have Tommy Lee Jones!
You might forget I run the country
Might refuse to yield
And so I’ll send you to the shrieking face of Sally Field!
Luck be a Lincoln tonight!”

In the style of “That’s Amore”…

“When you ask yourself why
you’ll watch old people die,
that’s Amour, ay!
Such an old-lady stench
or is it ’cause she’s French?
That’s Amour, ay!
Please don’t laugh, it’s a stroke
but that pigeon’s no joke,
it’s Amour, ay!
Riva’s in such a groove,
can the camera please move?
In Amour, ay!”

In the style of “Surfin’ U.S.A”…

“Told us he sailed out on the ocean
Was livin’ in a boat
The story with him and a tiger
It wouldn’t get my vote
But Richard Parker looked so real
How is it CGI?
I couldn’t live without my bagels
But that’s the Life of Pi.
How can his story be true?
What did he really do?
Hey, wait a sec, is that a cameo
from Gerard Depardieu?
11 nominations
And it’s apparent why
But Richard Parker’s my best actor
He’s in the Life of Pi.”

In the style of “Eleanor Rigby”…

“The CIA’s all lonely people…
Zero Dark Thirty
Maya she works in the office for hundreds of days
Nothing gets changed
Writes on a window
She’s got a marker, she’s always updating the dates
Hope it’s dry-erase
Zero Da-ark Thirty
Everyone loved it so
But where’s the nomination
for Kathryn Bigelow?”

In the style of “Summer Nights”…

“Southern wild, the place to be
Jordan jerseys from ’93
Our lead actress, the youngest of all
Compared to Tom Cruise, she still looks tall
Quvenzhane
Don’t go away
After Beasts of the Southern Wild.
(Tell me more, tell me more) Is she really just nine?
(Tell me more, tell me more) How’d she memorize lines?”

In the style of “Seventy-Six Trombones”…

Silver Linings Playbook was such a terrific film
Nominated for every actor around
Bradley, Jackie and Jen, you know
That for Robert DeNiro
He finally can live Little Fockers down.
It’s My Cherie Amour that sets Bradley Cooper off
But tonight it’s Amour that might set off Jen
But we laugh and cry, oh my
and we don’t always know why
’cause the Oscars have returned to us again!”

——

Enjoy the show, everyone.

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