2013 Oscars: A Retro-Live Blog

Kevin Brown: Yesterday, I expressed the opinion that I didn’t really care about Syracuse’s loss to Georgetown. Maybe it was because I missed most of the game. Maybe it was because Syracuse gets Georgetown again in their final regular season Big East game. Maybe it was because I saw everyone else overreacting on Twitter.

Whatever it was, it felt ultimately insignificant to me. I expressed this opinion to Friend of the Blog Scott Grodsky, and he said “yeah, but you care about the Oscars”.

He’s right – the Oscars are a big goofy event that ultimately have little significance. And yet I can’t get enough of them – to the extent that I’m live-blogging the hell out of this – and I don’t know why.

Some other friends of the blog are joining me tonight – Dan Kaplan, who’s also seen all the Best Picture nominees, Alex Brewer, who’s seen a few, and Dan Lyons, who’s…just here, really. Kaplan, you may know the answer – why do we care so much about this? And are we crazy for doing so?

Dan Kaplan: Kevin, I’d argue that, more than any other awards show this year, the Oscars are a chance for us to step outside ourselves and turn on the Internet/Twitter/social media snark to a different level. Will we like all of the winners? Nope. Have we seen all of the movies? Who cares?! This is a chance for us all to be assholes, at possibly the most pompous of asshole celebrations every year.

Brown: The thought of the two of us turning the social media snark UP is somewhat terrifying.

Before we start the show – what are you gentlemen most excited about tonight? Seth MacFarlane? The Bond tribute? Daniel Day-Lewis’ acceptance speech? The musical performances? (It’s the musical performances, right?)

Alex Brewer: I, for one, am most excited for Seth MacFarlane. He typically doesn’t really hold anything back and I expect nothing less of that tonight. The Bond tribute will also be epic and will make up for anything that angers me.

Kaplan: Musical performances would definitely rank up there, if only for Adele’s sake. As a Bond nerd, I’m naturally excited about that as well. Overall, I’d say the inevitable million and one close-ups of Jennifer Lawrence.

Dan Lyons: Since I’m here, I’d like to add something relevant: I hate Georgetown and it can burn in hell. Also, Jennifer Lawrence is great.

Yes, yes, she is.

Seth MacFarlane starts his monologue…

Kaplan: Tommy Lee Jones joke! DRINK!

Brown: Seth MacFarlane just made Tommy Lee Jones laugh. The Oscars are over.

Is that our first Ron Jeremy reference ever at the Oscars? Or do we think James Franco made one and everyone had just fallen asleep by that point?

Lyons: Music in film! How excited are you, Kaplan?

Kaplan: All of the happy, Lyons. All of the happy.

Lyons: Amour? More like A-Snore, am I right you guys? ( <– hasn’t seen Amour)

Brown: …yeah, you’re actually 100% right.

Most active frame of the movie.

Lyons: I did enjoy “this is 90”.

Brown: A joke about Daniel Day-Lewis in character freeing Don Cheadle? Dunno about you guys, but I’d say Seth MacFarlane is KILLING this monologue right now.

Kaplan: Pretty solid so far, I’d agree. I was expecting a glut of random pop culture references, which we’re most certainly NOT getting.

Brewer: The amount of uncomfortable people in that room is hysterical.

SHATNER IS HAPPENING

Brown: PRICE-LINE NEGOTIATOR!

Lyons: SHATNER-BOMB’d

Kaplan: Looking AWFUL.

Lyons: And now my autocorrect automatically capitalizes SHATNER.

Kaplan: Seth has been solid so far. Still hate him for being the man that gets to go home with Khaleesi.

Brown: Shatner – “why couldn’t they just get Tina and Amy to host the show?” This is sensationally self-referential. Hard to believe this could be much better so far.

Brewer: Seth MacFarlane is currently bringing Family Guy to the Oscars.

Brown: Remember that time where Seth MacFarlane sang a song called “We Saw Your Boobs” not even 10 minutes into the Oscars?
This is quite possibly my favorite Oscar monologue to date.

Lyons: SHATNER has been the worst part of this monologue. Seth has been great.

Kaplan: Charlize Theron in a pixie haircut…I don’t hate it.

Lyons: Lol Channing Tatum at the Oscars

Lyons: Sock puppet Denzel looks like a moose.

Kaplan: I guess this puppet montage is maybe funny for people who have seen Flight? Not so much me.

Brown: …yeah, it actually was really funny.

Kaplan: Seriously, MORE Shatner? Can this please stop?

And I’m gonna be…high…

Brown: This monologue is great, but we should probably end it in the next 60 seconds.

…all right, I’ll live with Seth MacFarlane and Sally Field driving off in a prerecorded skit set to “East Bound and Down”. But this monologue should still end at some point tonight.

Brewer: We’ve been commercial-free for 16 minutes now…

Kaplan: Best Supporting Actor‘s first up tonight. I’m picking De Niro.

Brown: I think Tommy Lee Jones will win. I hope Phillip Seymour Hoffman does – but since he won’t, let’s go for Bobby D.

Lyons: Gonna go with TLJ here. Loved De Niro though. And I’d love Waltz to win.

Brown: Yeah, you know what, Tommy Lee Jones totally deserves this, too. And Christoph Waltz was great. I just hope someone wins. Literally anyone.

Kaplan: Love Waltz, but I think he’s the weak link of the supporting roles in Django.

Christoph Waltz wins…

Brewer: YES

YES

YES

I JUST EXPLODED

Lyons: WOOOOOO

Kaplan: WALTZ?

Brewer: WALLLLTTZZZZZZZZ

Brown: Whoa! Waltz just won his second Oscar in four years for playing the same character! Can Samuel L. Jackson get at least half of this award?

Kaplan: That’s a bingo!

If only he had kept the moustache…

Lyons: Quentin looks like he’s all types of inebriated right now.

Kaplan: Good for Christoph, though. Couldn’t dislike the guy if I tried.

Lyons: Dr. Schulz may be my all-time favorite Tarantino character, and that’s saying a ton. Love that Waltz just won.

Brown: In 2010, he had the whole speech planned…this year, he seemed genuinely surprised and shaken. I don’t think he should have won, but I can’t dislike him, either.

Brewer: That was an amazing unexpected award. Christoph is amazing at everything he does and I’m glad he claimed that award again.

Kaplan: Amazing at everything he does? The Green Hornet would like a word, Brewer.

Lyons: If no one saw it, it never happened.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 1————–

Kevin Brown: Our early front-runner for most random cutaway: John Travolta.

Alex Brewer: In case anyone was wondering…Christoph Waltz was +120 to win Supporting Actor.

Brown: Best Animated Short Film – I have seen one of these! That was Fresh Guacamole, which will not win. Paperman will, because Disney.

Dan Lyons: I’ve actually seen Paperman. It was good stuff.

Paperman wins…

Dan Kaplan: I saw exactly zero of these. But good for Paperman. That five-second clip looked pretty cool.

Brown: What the hell – the guy from Paperman just came out of Abraham Lincoln’s booth on the side of the theatre. Why was he sitting there?

Best Animated Film – My guess is Brave, because Pixar. But I have not seen any of these.

Brave wins…

Kaplan: Come on, Oscar. Give it to a movie that actually deserves it.

Brown: THAT GUY IS WEARING A KILT!

Brewer: Ladies and gents…we have a kilt. The correct person won the award because of that.

Kaplan: I don’t give a kilt.

Brown: Hey, Kaplan, remember when you saw Brave and thus had a legitimate opinion on it?

Kaplan: I did see Brave, Kev…

Brown: *turns and runs*

Kaplan: In fact, the only one of these I didn’t see was Frankenweenie. Because f*** Tim Burton.

Brown: …you saw The Pirates: Band of Misfits?

Kaplan: Yep. I’m a sucker for claymation. Can’t say I enjoyed it much, but I watched it.

Kaplan: CLOONEY JOKES! Love it…Quvenzhané Wallis being 16 years from the point at which she’s too old for Clooney.

Brown: The Avengers was the most popular movie of the year…which is why it was only nominated once.” Heh.

The cast of The Avengers is here…but not Thor? Where is Thor?

Lyons: Fighting North Koreans?

Kaplan: Best Cinematography – Roger Deakins. Let’s go.

Life of Pi wins Best Cinematography…

Kaplan: Bleh.

But okay, the guy who did Life of Pi is actually Fabio, so I’m okay with this.

Lyons: This dude totally sings in a power metal band somewhere.

Brown: Life of Pi looks incredible. Can’t be upset with that pick. Especially because the lead singer of Anvil apparently shot it. Wait, sorry, that’s Edgar Winter!

Kaplan: Found it…

Brown: Robert Downey, Jr. should totally host the Oscars, am I right?

Best Visual Effects – Otherwise known as Life of Pi and four others.

Life of Pi wins…

Kaplan: Correct. On both accounts.

Brewer: I feel like Life of Pi was Lord of the Rings this year. There was just no way to beat them on visual effects.

Brown: Any other winner would have been a total sham.

Kaplan: Agreed.

The winners are played off stage by the Jaws music…

Kaplan: This just in, the Oscars are assholes!

Brewer: The “shut-up” music is just awesome. The Jaws theme? Beautiful.

Brown: Wait…did the Life of Pi visual effects winners SERIOUSLY just get cut off by the Jaws theme? Or did someone lace my frozen pizza with LSD?

Brewer: I hate watching people get thrown off stage, but that’s the way you do it.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 2————–

Kaplan: Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston being played on to an orchestral version of Foreigner’s “Feels Like the First Time”? I’m okay with this.

Brown: “For our next two performers, at least one is honest about being a former exotic dancer. Please welcome Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston.” Ba-zing!

Kaplan: Jennifer Aniston is 40-something and she acts like a creepy 60-something.

Brown: Best Costume Design – Since this is basically “Most Costumes”, I’m going with Anna Karenina.

Anna Karenina wins Best Costume Design…

Brewer: Boy Kevin! You nailed that prediction like a split-hog!

Brown: Is that how you people talk in Maine?

Brewer: Talladega Nights reference…Daytona 500 was earlier…couldn’t resist the urge.

“And if you don’t chew Big Red…”

Brown: Best Makeup – Since this, also, is typically “Most Makeup”, my fake money’s on Hitchcock.

Les Miserables wins…

Kaplan: Balls.

Brown: That was the right choice of the three, I assume (I haven’t seen Hitchcock)…but how the hell did Lincoln not get nominated for this? Especially since it got nominated for literally EVERYTHING ELSE.

A Bryan Cranston cutaway after the “Best Makeup” speech? New clubhouse leader for “Most Random Cutaway”.

The Bond tribute begins…

Kaplan: Why do you reference Halle Berry’s Bond movie when it is literally the worst…

Brown: Who better to introduce 50 Years of Bond than…the Bond girl from…Die Another Day…right, guys?…

Kaplan: Ugh. Get Ursula Andress or Jane Seymour on to present this. Not Die Another Day.

Brown: I sincerely hope the producers of Fast Seven are inspired by this Bond-tage.

Kaplan: CARS WILL DRIVE UNDERWATER

Actual still from “Fast Seven”, or “Fa7t”.

Brown: That’s how you end a Bond-tage! A clip from Quantum of Solace! …hang on, what?

Kaplan: Shirley Bassey. This shit just got real.

Brown: The singer from the 1965 film which won an Oscar for “Best Sound Effects Editing”! Thank goodness!

Kaplan: They need to bring out Robbie Williams so he can do the remix to her song for You Only Live Twice…we got staaaaaaaars directin’ our fate!

Brown: I’m tempted to take back my snark, because Shirley Bassey sounds unbelievable, and she is 76 years old. But it’s there. It’s out on the table.

Brewer: Bassey just brought the house down.

Kaplan: Bassey was the best thing about this ceremony so far.

Brown: Screw it. Snark retracted.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 3————–

Brown: Just turned on the “backstage pass” at the Oscars app to hear a woman say “Robert Downey Jr.’s been to prison…that’s sexy as all getup…I wanna communicate some stuff with my eyes with Robert Downey, Jr.”

Kaplan: Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx coming on to the “DJAANGOOOO” theme. Love it.

Best Live-Action Short – I picked Buzkashi Boys because that is an AMAZING title.

Brown: Curfew is made by the guy who wrote Abduction, the Taylor Lautner movie that has a 4% on Rotten Tomatoes. So, Curfew.

Curfew wins…

Kaplan: Womp womp.

FUTURE OSCAR GLORY.

Brewer: We’ve now had three award winners from the Presidential boxes off to the side.

Brown: This guy is also the lead singer of stellastarr*. MVP Baseball 04, represent!

Lyons: Wonderful reference. EA needs to start making baseball games again.

Brown: Best Documentary Short SubjectInocente, because…uh, I don’t know.

Inocente wins…

Brown: *brushes shoulder off*

Kaplan: HEYYYY, I picked one! Now four for nine tonight. Not good.

Brown: Liam Neeson now on stage to present the award for his favorite NFL player.

Kaplan: Wasn’t Neeson supposed to be Lincoln originally? Irony, top score?

Brown: IF IT KEEP ON RAININNNNN, LEVEE’S GOINNNN TO BREAAAAAAAAAAK…

“Argo” narrowly edges out “Silver Linings Playbook” for this year’s “Best Use Of Led Zeppelin” Oscar.

If the Oscars were on cable, this Zero Dark Thirty montage would totally feature the “I’m the mother****er that found this place, sir” line. Shame.

Seth MacFarlane makes a John Wilkes Booth joke…

Kaplan: Wow…you can’t do that, Seth.

Brown: Yeah, that John Wilkes Booth joke is the type you make at home with your friends. Not in front of millions of people.

Kaplan: Best Documentary Feature – Gonna pick How to Survive a Plague, even though Searching for Sugar Man‘s been getting all the attention.

Brown: Sugar Man seems like the most uplifting story, plus it’s won a ton of awards, so I’m in for that.

Searching for Sugar Man wins…

Brown: Somewhere, The Archies are smiling.

Kaplan: Well played.

Brown: “Plus, the cast of Prometheus explains…what the hell was going on there. More after this.” More hit than miss for Seth tonight. Nicely done.

Kaplan: Agreed.

Brown: Little worried for his sake that the John Wilkes Booth joke is going to overshadow the rest of his night. Not that he cares.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 4————–

Brown: Can we take a moment to recognize how amazing Jessica Chastain is? Considering she’s been in movies for, what, three years?

Kaplan: Agreed. I’ll forgive her for The Tree of Life because of all of the other awesome.

Brown: Hey, whatever you thought about Tree of Life, she’s phenomenal in it.

Kaplan: Nope. There is nothing “phenomenal” about that movie…if possible, I hate it more than Les Miz.

Brown: The cinematography isn’t “phenomenal”? Seriously?

Kaplan: Okay, fine, there were some elements of Tree of Life that weren’t totally awful. But they’re cancelled out completely by Terrence Malick’s overwhelming injection of his own high school girl understanding of philosophy into the movie.

And the dinosaurs. Those were awful, too.

Lyons: Dinosaurs are NEVER awful. Take it back!

Bet you wouldn’t say that if you were this guy, Lyons.

Brown: Best Foreign FilmAmour, I assume.

Amour wins…

Brown: John Travolta on stage…you know what that means, Kaplan…it’s time for a…MUSICAL MONTAGE!

Kaplan: I’ll be finishing my beer and chugging another. Text me when this is over.

Brown: We’re 35 seconds into “All That Jazz”, and I’m already done with this. They should have had Shatner do a spoken-word version of this instead.

Brown: So, guys…didn’t the Grammys already happen?

Lyons: Well, Frank Ocean, sang about Forrest Gump, so this is only fair.

Brown: Please substitute William Shatner for Russell Crowe Please substitute William Shatner for Russell Crowe Please substitute William Shatner for Russell Crowe Please substitute William Shatner for Russell Crowe Please substitute William Shatner for Russell Crowe

William Shatner is not substituted for Russell Crowe…

Brown: You know what would be better than this reenactment of Les Miz on stage? The actors from Django Unchained reenacting Les Miz on stage. With Sam Jackson as Anne Hathaway.

Lyons: I’m so lost right now, you guys…

Kaplan: @pareene – OK OSCARS I’LL TELL YOU ABU AHMED’S REAL NAME

This is what you call “winning the night”.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 5————–

Dan Lyons: Podcast over. So how are the Grammys?

Kevin Brown: Over, hopefully.

Dan Kaplan: Star Trek/Priceline jokes. Very solid. In general, Seth’s been impressive.

Alex Brewer: I’m really disappointed that Sherlock didn’t walk out.

Brown: Sherlock would have overshadowed the Oscars by his mere being. Either he hosts, or he doesn’t show up.

Future Greatest Oscar Host Of All-Time.

Kaplan: Best Sound Mixing – Because it’s been half an hour since our last award…I’m gonna say Skyfall, I guess.

Brown: Wait, there are awards here?. I’m gonna predict Les Miz.

Les Miserables wins…

Kaplan: Cue fart noises. Also, this Ted thing needs to go away.

Brown: Sound Editing – Life of Pi, for “Life of Pi will sweep all the tech awards” reasons.

A tie is announced.

Brown: WHAT! WE HAVE A TIE?!

Lyons: MAHKY MAHK DOESN’T BS YOU!

/insertbaseballallstargamejokehere

Zero Dark Thirty wins the first one…

Kaplan: IT’S THE LIFE OF PI SOUNDTRACK GUY’S TWIN!

Lyons: They should have a sudden death sound editing-off.

Skyfall wins the second one…

Brewer: SKYFALL!

YES

YES

YES

YES

Brown: I get two losses for that one, I think.

Lyons: Are all movie sound-people cousins or something?

Brown: The Edgar Winter family is winning EVERYTHING, guys.

Lyons: Von Trapp sounds like a German dubstep sub genre.

Brown: Wow, that Sound of Music bit was the funniest part of the night. So brilliant.

Kaplan: And thus, Hathaway time. Don’t love it.

Lyons: Chris Plummer > Jake Plummer

Brown: Well, Chris Plummer > everyone, pretty much. Careful out on that limb.

Best Supporting Actress – As if I have to make a prediction, Anne Hathaway.

Hardest job of anyone tonight – finding a Helen Hunt clip from “The Sessions” that was suitable for air.

Anne Hathaway wins…

Kaplan: Well, the night’s biggest foregone conclusion has come to pass.

Lyons: She won for The Dark Knight Rises, right?

Brewer: CATWOMAN WON!

Brown: We’ve had two Catwomen on stage tonight, and no Batmen, for those keeping score at home.

Lyons: You can’t deny that leather suit. It gets what it wants.

Did she just shout out her ‘hood?

QUEENSBRIDGE!

Kaplan: Get off the stage, Anne Hathaway. Who do you think you are, Bono?

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 6————–

Kaplan: Academy president speech. Time for a power nap…although this guy’s name sounds like “hopscotch”, which is kind of hilarious.

Lyons: He’s way better than the old Academy president, Red Rover.

Brown: Time for Best Editing – probablythe biggest award of the night so far, in terms of who’s going to win the big prize. I’m guessing Argo, for Best Pic-related reasons.

Argo wins…

Start brushing up your acceptance speeches, Ben, George and Grant…

Brewer: William Goldenberg worked on both Argo and Zero Dark Thirty

Brown: Your point?

Brewer: Isn’t that, like, unfair? That’s awesome!

Brown: Yes, it’s, like, unfair.

Brewer: Like, oh my god, like, totally.

Brown: Jennifer Lawrence is on stage. EVERYONE SHUT UP, I NEED TO CONCENTRATE.

Kaplan: Drool.

Lyons: J-LAW ALERT

Kaplan: Adele time.

Brown: “And then, Jennifer Lawrence introduced Adele, and the world exploded, because life could not get any better.” – Some book in another dimension in the future, somewhere.

Kaplan: Correct. 100%.

Someone needs to turn Adele’s mic up. The orchestra was drowning her out during the chorus.

Brown: Number of Oscars ever won by James Bond films: Three. Combined number of James Bond songs plus montages tonight: Three. Just sayin’.

Kaplan: So, assuming Adele wins tonight, that continues her FC Barcelona-esque run right now.

Brown: Lionadele Messi?

Kaplan: Grammys galore. Six million album sales. Golden Globe. Oscar. Dear Lord.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 7————–

Lyons: I’m not the biggest fan of her just because I’m not a giant straight pop music fan, but thank god someone with legitimate talent is cleaning up musical awards.

@edsbs: Rick Ross should be there, dammit.

I NEED 100 GOLD OSCARS

Brown: 100 (black coffins) percent.

Lyons: Imagine Rick Ross performing at the Oscars.

Kaplan: Can’t imagine, too awesome…but Lyons, I’m not sure I can agree with Adele being labeled “straight pop music”.

Brown: I feel like I have seen Silver Linings Playbook twice, because of all the clips and trailers I have watched 700 times over. And it is still the best movie of the year, in my humble opinion.

Kaplan: Agreed.

Lyons: Jeez, spoilers, Oscar!

Brown: Did the Oscars just reveal the endings of Silver Linings Playbook and Django Unchained? Damn right they did! Now, in an homage to tonight’s show, let me spoil Amour for you – she dies.

Kaplan: Eww…Daniel Radcliffe so does not deserve Kristen Stewart’s general KristenStewartness.

Lyons: Kristen Stewart is a caricature at this point.

Brown: Kristen Stewart is legitimately the MOST awkward presenter ever. 12/12/12 concert, now this.

Brown: Best Production DesignAnna Karenina, I hope, and think.

Lincoln wins…

Brown: Took two hours for Lincoln to win its first award. Of course, William Shatner was on screen for 87 of those minutes.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 8————–

Kaplan: Hooray, it’s almost dead people montage time!

Lyons: #salmakayak

Brown: For those wondering at home, our friend Jon just tweeted out “Salma Kayak”. Step aside, “Joe Flaccid”, your time as AutoCorrect king is over.

Lyons: Clooney playing the Dos Equis guy in a film?

“I don’t always produce mega-hit, Oscar-winning movies, but when I do…”

Kaplan: He needs to.

Brown: That is without question the greatest idea any of us have ever had. I award you all the points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Barbra Streisand comes out for “The Way We Were” to close the In Memoriam segment…

Brown: 

Kaplan: Dammit, I want Wu-Tang Clan…they sampled this song and now that’s all I can think of.

Brown: They sampled “Duck Sauce”? Or “The Way We Were”?

Kaplan: “The Way We Were”, in “Can It Be All So Simple”.

Brown: Well, Wu-Tang Clan wins the universe in that case.

Kaplan: Everyone already knew that.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 9————–

Brown: The Rex Reed burn…what a joke! Wow!

Kaplan: Missed it.

Brown: Google “Rex Reed Melissa McCarthy”.

Brown: Best Original Score – I hope Anna Karenina, I think Life of Pi. But where is Hans Zimmer for The Dark Knight Rises?

Kaplan: Off in disappointment land with the rest of the movie.

Brown: No, the score kicked ass…everything else was in disappointment land.

Brewer: Anne Hathaway wasn’t in disappointment land.

Brown: True, Anne was a great Catwoman. Also, Bane’s accent.

Lyons: It’s an award. Adele wins by default.

As long as this happens again.

Brown: Sorry, ScarJo and guy from Life of Pi, you don’t get to perform this year on account of:
1. Not being Adele
2. Not being in Les Miz during the OMGMUSICALSARETHEBESTTHINGEVER ceremony
3. Not being written by the host

I now hope we have another tie – a tie between the only two songs that weren’t performed tonight.

Adele wins for “Skyfall”…

Lyons: Adele should’ve called her shot and started walking up as they went to open the envelope.

Kaplan: Aaaaand I’m officially above the halfway mark! 10 for 18 on my picks tonight.

Brown: 

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 10————–

Kaplan: I normally don’t like the pixie cut. But Charlize makes it okay.

Brown: Interesting. Is there anyone else here in a pixie cut tonight that you don’t like, per chance?

Kaplan: Yes, and the pixie cut doesn’t improve her at all, Kev.

Brown: Best Adapted Screenplay – I’m guessing Argo, which should just about lock up Best Pic. But boy, am I rooting for Silver Linings Playbook.

Argo wins…

Brown: Chris Terrio. Cue the fat lady.

Kaplan: #Argmentum

Brown: Best Original ScreenplayZero Dark Thirty, I think and hope. Django Unchained would be nice, too…but if Amour wins, the entire ceremony is moot.

Django Unchained wins…

Brewer: YES SIR

Kaplan: DJANGO!!!

Lyons: !!

Brown: Tarantino’s top button is unbuttoned. LIKE A BOSS.

Two-time Oscar winner.

Tarantino > walk-off music

Lyons: I love QT. He’s a tremendous trainwreck of a human.

Kaplan: I’m glad Tarantino won for this one. It was just as self-indulgent as any of his other movies, but it was the best executed of anything he’s done since Pulp Fiction.

Brown: I prefer Inglourious Basterds, but it’s close.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 11————–

Lyons: ENOUGH WITH THE UNICORN APOCALYPSE

Brown: Best Director – Predicted Spielberg earlier. Sticking with it now, though the lack of well, anything, for Lincoln has me leaning toward Ang Lee…

Kaplan: Likewise. I don’t know if it goes to Lee though, if not Spielberg.

Brewer: How great would it be if they just called an audible and picked Affleck?

Ang Lee wins…

Brown: WHOA!

Kaplan: Eh.

Brown: Very well-deserved, in my book. Best of the choices in that group.

Brewer: Lee just won two awards- An Oscar and the “I Beat Spielberg” Award.

Kaplan: To me, that movie was good, not great. Visually speaking, yes. Tremendous. Beyond that, I didn’t really care for it.

Brown: Amazing achievement in directing, I think…a so-called “unfilmable” book which crushed it visually and kept you compelled with just one actor on screen for most of the time. Pleasantly surprised.

Kaplan: To each his own.

————–COMMERCIAL BREAK 12————–

Brown: Twitter still seems to hate Seth MacFarlane. He’s been really good for the most part, right? Am I crazy?

Kaplan: I haven’t had any problems with him, other than JWB.

Lyons: I think he’s been fine.

Was that almost an emotion from Kristen Stewart?

Brown: Best Actress – Time for my most nerve-wracking moment of the show. Loved all the performances, but Jennifer stands out, as always.

Kaplan: Gonna go with Riva, because of all those old Academy voters.

Brown: On a scale of 1 to 10, how charming is Jean Dujardin? 10? 12? 17? It’s fine that I think this, right?

17.

Brewer: I’m going with Chastain.

Jennifer Lawrence wins…

Brown: YES SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lyons: Boom.

Kaplan: Well done, J-Law. Well done. And she gets “My Cherie Amour.” This night is win.

Jennifer Lawrence falls on the steps…

Brown: OH NO! DOWN GOES JENNIFER!

Brewer: That was epic.

Brown: “Ladies and gentlemen, our next presenter needs no introduction.” *walks off stage* Seth is fantastic. Just fantastic.

Best Actor – Daniel Day-Lewis, obviously, but MAN, this field is crazy stacked.

Kaplan: Yep…it’ll be DDL, but Joaquin or Cooper could have won this any other year.

Brown: Five phenomenal performance. Hard to remember a better Best Actor lineup in my lifetime. And I’ve always wanted to see a clip of Gale Boetticher at the Oscars.

Daniel Day-Lewis wins…

Lyons: Honestly, just make it the Daniel Day-Lewis best actor award.

Brown: Like the Bill Russell NBA Finals MVP?

Kaplan: The Academy Award for Best Actor, sponsored by Daniel Day-Lewis. And Meineke.

Brown: “I had actually been committed to play Margaret Thatcher.” Oh, you sly devil, you.

Lyons: DDL’s GOT JOKES

Kaplan: OH MAN, DDL’s GOT JOKES!

…f***.

Brown: Daniel Day-Lewis: 2014 Oscar Host

Lyons: This is just DDL method-acting for his upcoming George Carlin biopic.

Brown: Jack Nicholson on stage to introduce Best Picture? Original.

Michelle Obama appears via satellite…

Lyons: What?

Kaplan: WHAAAAAT

Brown: ?tahw…

Kaplan: MICHELLE JUST WON THE OSCARS

Brewer: …soo, this is happening.

Brown: I really hope Chris Bosh photobombs this.

Best Picture – Argo, for sure. Not much doubt, if any, at this point.

Argo wins…

Brown: Why did Jack have an envelope if he wasn’t going to open it?

Lyons: His envelope told him to throw it to Michelle.

Brown: Cue everyone tweeting “#Argo***Yourself”…

Brewer: Heisenberg has won an Oscar.

Brown: Where is John Goodman?

Kaplan: @thesuperficial
And Argo wins for best movie about a bunch of people who look like Kansas getting rescued from Iran by Kenny Loggins.

DDDDDDDDANGER ZONE!

Lyons: It’s still unbelievable that Ben Affleck is an amazing director.

Kaplan: Not unprecedented, though. See also: Howard, Ron.

Lyons: True. But…Gigli happened.

Brown: “I want to thank Canada” was an actual line in an Oscar-winning speech. Affleck wins Speech of the Night, I think.

Lyons: Yes.

Kaplan: Yep.

Brewer: Yup.

Kaplan: Gigli. Reindeer Games. Surviving Christmas. Into Gone Baby Gone. The Town. Argo. Oscar.

Pretty remarkable transition, I’ll admit.

Brewer: For the record, I turned off the Oscars once they started to do this closing song.

Lyons: Lol Tom Cruise is short.

Brown: They just made a Tom Cruise/Q. Wallis short joke? You know who else did? Six hours ago? THIS GUY.

Brewer: Gentlemen, it was a pleasure doing business with you once again.

Kaplan: As always.

Lyons: Likewise.

Brown: Crap, now I have to edit this.

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