Music Review: Oasis’ Pandora Station

Hello WordPress, my old friend
I’ve come to blog with you again
Because my life has been quite boring
In, requests of new posts are pouring
And there’s too much random nonsense in my brain
It still remains
It’s time to now…
review things.

——

I often it find it difficult to write down or state my specific thoughts on why I enjoyed a particular film, album, song, book, television show or some other work of art. This may be hard to believe, seeing as, well, that’s essentially the entire point of this blog – but it’s true. There are some things that you simply feel, and trying to write them down or pick out the precise words cannot meet the actual impact which these things have in your brain. I know this to be true, because Oasis is my favorite band of all time – one spot ahead of the Beatles.

The Beatles – in what I believe to be more fact than opinion – are the most influential band in the history of music. They are also – in an opinion that should double as a fact – the greatest band in the history of music. Without the Beatles, Oasis would have been no more than a two-AM-pub band, drinking heavily on stage while sloshing through old Rolling Stones songs. (Some might argue they were at times.) Without the Beatles, there are no Champagne Supernovas to speak of, no reason not to Look Back In Anger, no one feeling Supersonic and needing gin and tonic. Yet I unquestionably prefer Oasis to the Beatles. Why? I can’t logically explain it other than to say I like Oasis’ songs better than anyone else’s. That likely won’t make one iota of sense to the vast majority of people, and yet it’s the truth.

So we’re kickstarting the blog up today with a post about Oasis for two reasons. Number one: my unquestioned love for all things Gallagher brothers. Number two: the unquestioned comedy of Oasis’ station on Pandora. (Pandora, for those of you who don’t know, is an Internet radio station that plays songs similar to a certain artist, album or genre on a specific station. Also, for those of you who don’t know this, “Google” is an online search engine.)

And if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to…

I threw on Oasis’ Pandora station a few days ago and was greeted immediately by “Wonderwall” – my second-favorite song of all time. (First: U2’s “Where The Streets Have No Name”.) And right after the final five acoustic-guitar chords in the background hit, Pandora stopped making any rational amount of sense. Let’s examine what followed – and remember, these are supposed to be songs and artists that are similar to Oasis:

1. Lit, “My Own Worst Enemy”

That’s right! The very first non-Oasis song on the Oasis station isn’t from Blur, or the Verve, or the Stone Roses, or even the Beatles – it’s an American pop-punk band from Orange County that had precisely one song anyone’s ever heard of. Here are the similarities between “My Own Worst Enemy” and any other Oasis song:

– Both are performed by bands.
– The lyrics of “My Own Worst Enemy” contain the word “cigarette”. Oasis wrote a song called “Cigarettes and Alcohol”.
– Both are sung in the English lang…well, scratch that, I’m not quite sure what language Liam is using sometimes.

That’s it! I’ll give Pandora points for the cigarette motif, but this particular linkup earns a D-. The good news? You can’t get much lower than a D-.

(THAT SHOULD HAVE SET OFF A FORESHADOWING ALARM IN YOUR HEAD)

2. blink-182, “What’s My Age Again?”

Hello, Mr. Face! I’d like to you meet my good friend, Palm!

Apparently the Oasis Pandora Station can be categorized as “songs you used to hear on KROQ 92.3 (RIP) or WRXP 101.9 (RIP)…and Oasis”. There’s literally no reason this song should be on the same planet as Oasis’ station. Has Pandora ever heard of the United Kingdom? Does it know there are British bands? Will I hear Metallica on the Beatles’ station?

The only reason I can think of blink-182 being here is that they’re the rare band Oasis didn’t hate. Mr. Tom DeLonge, the floor is yours:

“A few days later I played a show with Oasis and was like, ‘These guys are pretty rad.’ We got done playing and Liam Gallagher runs into our dressing room and says, ‘Are you guys Blink-182? You’re the best I’ve seen in America.’ I’m like, ‘You like us?’ He said, ‘I didn’t say that, I said you’re the best I’ve seen in America!’ From that point on I thought they were awesome.”

Also, Noel sat down with Mark Hoppus and called Chelsea “sucky human scum”, so there’s that. This song makes no sense on this station. F! Can a brother get a British band?

3. Red Hot Chili Peppers, “Can’t Stop”

…no. No, he cannot.

Here, in no particular order, are significant components of the Red Hot Chili Peppers:
– Funk
– Punk
– Rap
– Slappin’ da bass
– Lack of shirts
– Tube socks
– Jumping around on stage

Here, in no particular order, are significant components of Oasis:
– Rock
– Roll
– Hatred of anything else
– The same guitar chords
– Pretty Green clothing
– Standing still on stage, save for Liam moving back and forth from the microphone

F. Can it get any worse?

4. The Goo Goo Dolls, “Here Is Gone”

Oh, for the love of Maggie Thatcher, what is happening here?

(Quick side note: I very much like all of the songs that have been played on this station – but, again, this post is about their relevance on an Oasis station, which is about the same as the relevance of playing Uncle Kracker on a Louis Armstrong station.)

The most shocking thing about this post? Noel’s never been quoted on the record about his opinion of the Goo Goo Dolls. I imagine it’d sound something like this:

“The Goo Goo Dolls? What a f***ing load of bollocks they are. All these kids think they can just pick up a f***ing guitar and write a simple f***ing pop tune and get the girls with their f***ing hair swaying in the breeze. It doesn’t f***ing work that way. You gotta have talent. They haven’t got any. Just coz’ you can sing a little bit doesn’t make you a f***ing rock star. I’d never write a song called f***ing Iris. The f*** is that? Some chump f***ing flower? Come on.”

Said while making this face.

Let’s just assume that every song from here on out is an F as it relates to Oasis until we get to a British band, OK?

5. Nine Days, “Absolutely (Story Of A Girl)”

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE FOR PANDORA TO KEEP MAKING LESS SENSE?! HAS ANYONE AT PANDORA EVER HEARD OF OASIS?! DO THEY THINK A WONDERWALL IS SOMETHING THAT BELONGS IN A WONDERHOUSE?!

6. Sublime, “Santeria”

Sublime’s second “Similar Artist”, as listed on the page, is Bob Marley. That’s right, folks – Oasis and Bob Marley, separated by just two degrees! Can’t you just hear Liam now? No woman, no cryyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeayyyyyyyy…

7. Green Day, “Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”

Fun fact: both Oasis and Green Day have songs with parenthetical titles and the word “good” in them! Other fun fact: Noel Gallagher accused Green Day of ripping off “Wonderwall” with “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”:

“If you listen, you’ll find it is exactly the same arrangement as Wonderwall. They should have the decency to wait until I am dead (before stealing my songs). I, at least, pay the people I steal from that courtesy.
They consider themselves to be – and I quote – ‘a kick-ass rock ‘n’ roll band’. They could not be less kick-ass if they tried.”

Two of my favorite four bands of all time, ladies and gentlemen!

8. Red Bull commercial

This is actually more similar than six of the first eight songs.

Actually 8. Howie Day, “Collide (Acoustic Version)”

All hope is officially gone.

9. Muse, “Uprising”

…wait a second. Is that…could it be…AN ACTUAL BRITISH BAND?

MADE IT, MA! TOP OF THE POPS!

All hail Churchill! All hail Mo Farah! The UK lives! No one talk about the fact that Muse and Oasis really aren’t all that similar as bands! This is completely irrelevant at the moment!

By the way, I wonder what Noel thinks of Muse?

“There are no characters left in the music business,” he said. “When we first started going there was a healthy percentage of people, and we were all dirt-kickers from council estates, and we all couldn’t believe our luck that we were at the Brits. You go in now and everybody is a careerist. It’s very corporate, and you know what I’ve actually seen people doing at the Brits? Eating. I saw the drummer from Muse smoking an electronic cigarette. A cigarette with a battery in. I had to say to him: ‘Really? Really? Is that where you are at? Do me a favour, mate, either have a proper one outside, or don’t have one.’ It lit up green when he had a drag of it. Nonsense. He said that immortal line – ‘Oh you know how it is, mate’. And I said ‘I’m sorry, mate, I actually don’t.’”

Couldn’t have said it any better myself. I think.

(One last note: there were no actual Oasis songs played on the Pandora station throughout this time.)

——

Coming later today, because I’ve neglected this blog for far too long: part one of a two-part NBA podcast with Friend of the Blog Alex Brewer. We’re an hour behind Bill Simmons’ version, but we soldier on. Stay tuned…

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